3 Years Ago Today, I was Reading a Postive Pregnancy Test...

I was 17. I had no idea how my mom was going to react to this. It was her birthday for Goodness Sakes. She was one pissed off Momma. But, would she have been the same way had we known what was going to ensue? Would she have been so abrupt to kick me out if we had known that Austin wouldn't have made it?

Honestly, I haven't cried about him in awhile. Hes NEVER far from my mind. I look at Rylen and remember that Austin didn't make it. He's watching over us. But, hes not here. I never got to see him smile at me, take his first steps or say Mommy. I don't get to cuddle with him at night. I can't believe that hes not here. It still seems unreal to me at times. Even now, my heart breaks and longs for that baby that I'll never hold again.

And, again, honestly, if I could do it all over, I WOULDN'T. If I had known this would've happened I wouldn't have had sex. I wouldn't have even considered it. I wouldn't have taken his life by getting pregnant. I will NEVER forget that day at the hospital. I will NEVER forget how little hope I had but I had faith in God that MAYBE...just MAYBE he would be all right. And, yes, I was angry with God. I was OVERLY angry with him. I was mad at myself. I was mad at Austin for doing this to me. That was the part that was completely irrational. How could I get mad at my deceased child who didn't deserve this. How could I be such a horrible mother? No wonder I lost him. Every single one of these thoughts ran through my head.

Later on, that summer, I cried and ached for my baby. I tried to get pregnant again. I wanted a baby. Any baby. One that would heal me. I considered killing myself. I took the pills then spit them back out. I needed help. I never got any.

I'm sure if you're reading this, then you're judging me. I'm judging myself. But, I was 18 years old. I had just experienced a family death, of my own son, no less for the first time in my life. I was getting over a bad breakup. I wasn't the best person, no. But, I was broken. in many ways.

Rylen helped heal me a little bit. But, I still get this way. I still cry at night for the baby that I'll never hold again.

Austin Liam Stacy.

RIP. I miss you, love. So much.

FOLLOW ME ON OVER TOO

thanksforthestars.wordpress.com

Moo.

Thats how I feel today.

McFatty Monday? Count me IN!!!

:)

So I've been reading on a few others blogs about McFatty Monday...and I have to say, I REALLY would love to start participating in it. I'm serious about losing this weight and perhaps this will help with the whole situation! :)

so:






This is me. In my brothers messy room. PLEASE ignore his room. :P

OK so I know goal weights. My Ideal goal is to weigh 135 pounds.
I currently weigh 232.5 pounds.


I've kept 7 pounds off in a month. :)


I want to start off by losing another 5 pounds by May 13th. And keeping it off.



What am I doing? I don't eat out much. I don't drink any soda! V8 "Peach Mango", Iced Water, Milk and Green Tea are my besties :)

Plus I work out as much as I can. I do sit ups, push ups, and use weights for my arms. I'm trying to get walking more. My thighs REALLY need it.


So, lets hope this works, folks!

I know, I know...

I'm slacking on posts.

But when you're hanging out with this lil' monster, who can blame me?














My poor child is sick. Again. This is how the past few weeks have been....

Tuesday- Drs. because hes tugging on his ears and coughing till he can't breathe. Dr. says he has a cold and sends him home...

Saturday- On call DR sees him because the coughing is getting increasingly worse. He doesn't sleep anymore and spends 96% of his day freaking out....She diagnoses him with a double ear infection and gives him antibiotics for 10 days.

Sunday- We end up at the ER because Rylen is wheezing. Dr G. wants to see him the next day in his normal pedi. office. 3 hours spent at the ER to just be told to use a humidifier.

Monday- Follow up from ER. Everything seems to be fine....

NEXT WEDS.- His 10 days are up. Meds are done.

Friday- BACK at the drs. because of wheezing, coughing till he can't breathe..having trouble breathing and a rattle in his chest. We're now using a nebulizer. He freaked the first time he used it then has been fine with it the other 2 times we used it tonight. He gets it 4 times a day. On the other hand, Ry has his very first nebulizer. * Marks it in the milestone book!! * <- thats sarcasm for those who can't appreciate it.

So we'll see what this week brings us. Thankfully, My darling thinks me attempting to sing Single Ladies and Shake your Groove Thing is hilarious. We have a new appreciation for Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Squeakuel in this house. LOVE IT.

I know its been awhile....

I just haven't had anything interesting to say lately.

Rylen can roll over now.
He's getting better at sitting up.
the weather is BEAUTIFUL.
My road test is scheduled for May 7th.
Warped Tour is July 14th. PLEASE let me have my license by then :)
I turn 21 in 2.5 months.
March 15th 2010<3 -- me and Jordan are together now!
Ry's flat head is starting to round out a bit :)
Hes on Stage 2 Foods now.
We tried him with a sippy cup. It didn't work out so well.
He's still teething. No teeth yet.
Anthonys miserable and is trying to go for visitation now. LMAO. I DOUBT IT.

and thats basically it for now. =/

Y'all have an update on us. haha.

Disney Easter Basket Giveaway

http://mommymandy.com/disney-easter-basket-giveaway/

MommyMandy is also hosting a disney easter basket giveaway that ends March 29th!!!

Head on over to enter to win several different disney movies, a stuffed animal, candy, and The Princess and the Frog dolls in an adorable easter basket! Perfect for the adorable child in your life or if you're an avid disney fan yourself!