Friday, April 30, 2010

3 Years Ago Today, I was Reading a Postive Pregnancy Test...

I was 17. I had no idea how my mom was going to react to this. It was her birthday for Goodness Sakes. She was one pissed off Momma. But, would she have been the same way had we known what was going to ensue? Would she have been so abrupt to kick me out if we had known that Austin wouldn't have made it?

Honestly, I haven't cried about him in awhile. Hes NEVER far from my mind. I look at Rylen and remember that Austin didn't make it. He's watching over us. But, hes not here. I never got to see him smile at me, take his first steps or say Mommy. I don't get to cuddle with him at night. I can't believe that hes not here. It still seems unreal to me at times. Even now, my heart breaks and longs for that baby that I'll never hold again.

And, again, honestly, if I could do it all over, I WOULDN'T. If I had known this would've happened I wouldn't have had sex. I wouldn't have even considered it. I wouldn't have taken his life by getting pregnant. I will NEVER forget that day at the hospital. I will NEVER forget how little hope I had but I had faith in God that MAYBE...just MAYBE he would be all right. And, yes, I was angry with God. I was OVERLY angry with him. I was mad at myself. I was mad at Austin for doing this to me. That was the part that was completely irrational. How could I get mad at my deceased child who didn't deserve this. How could I be such a horrible mother? No wonder I lost him. Every single one of these thoughts ran through my head.

Later on, that summer, I cried and ached for my baby. I tried to get pregnant again. I wanted a baby. Any baby. One that would heal me. I considered killing myself. I took the pills then spit them back out. I needed help. I never got any.

I'm sure if you're reading this, then you're judging me. I'm judging myself. But, I was 18 years old. I had just experienced a family death, of my own son, no less for the first time in my life. I was getting over a bad breakup. I wasn't the best person, no. But, I was broken. in many ways.

Rylen helped heal me a little bit. But, I still get this way. I still cry at night for the baby that I'll never hold again.

Austin Liam Stacy.

RIP. I miss you, love. So much.

1 comment:

  1. Awww. :( Of course you will never forget Austin! It's ok to still be sad and to grieve for him even though you have Rylen now. No baby is a replacement for another baby. Each one is their own individual person. So don't feel bad that Rylen doesn't take away the pain of losing Austin. That's not his job. Lots of love! <3