Tuesday, March 23, 2010

I'm tired.

and not JUST in that sense.

I am tired. Rylen doesn't sleep all night anymore. Then doesn't go back to sleep once he gets up.
I'm tired of trying to study and the sleeping babe gets woken up by my grandmother..thus leaving me to listen to endless crying while trying to RELEARN what 7 times 12 means.
I'm tired of being called out to make him a bottle while I'm trying to study because gram doesn't want to move when she FINALLY takes him.
I'm tired of having no privacy. All night. All day.
I'm tired of not having a job.
I'm tired of being turned down for every job I apply too.
I'm tired of not having a license.
I'm TIRED of nobody taking me driving.
I'm tired of being angry. I'm angry at Anthony for leaving me to do this on my own. While trying to get a GED. and being jobless.
I'm angry at my son. And, I HATE myself for it. I'm angry at him for crying when I need to study to get us a better life. I'm angry at him for waking me up all night when he used to sleep all night.
I'm angry at my grandmother for trying to be his mother and for them not giving me ANY privacy.
I'm angry at myself for letting things bother me. for being angry at my innocent child. for NOT excercising and dieting when I was doing so good. for not going to church. for not believing that God can help me. For not being the mother that I should be.What kind of mother gets mad at her child for wanting food at 3 AM? A horrible one. I am so lucky to have him. I know that. And, I know I would NEVER EVER EVER hurt him. I'm not that type of person. But, I do have my limits. Who doesn't? I do have an end of my rope. I do have nerves. And when I'm getting up 203483290548234 million times all night then have to get up at 6 AM and not go back to sleep till 11PM and in the meantime feed myself, take care of my baby, get talked down too, do homework, clean, remember to feed my fish and take care of my lip ring...remember to play with my child and give him tummy time....that wears thin after a while. I cannot take much more. I know that for sure..

Things need to start getting better. And, in the meantime, I'm just going to try to count to 100. I'm going to breathe and remember that Rylen doesn't deserve this type of sucky mom. Hes lost his father. He needs extra love. not a stupid mom who has a very short patience.

I love you, Rylen. I'm SO sorry..


  1. Don't beat yourself up. I know I have had plenty of moments and nights when I felt angry and frustrated when having to get up multiple times. It does get better. This really tough time won't last forever. You will get your GED, a job, and your baby will sleep. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Keep going. You are getting there.
    (Have you tried the Ferber sleep method?)

  2. No I haven't. Thanky ou SO much for your support. I feel so guilty. Last night I was so unhappy with him for crying all night and come to find out today he has a double ear infection. I feel like THE worst mother ever. and I'm doing EVERYTHING I can to make up for it. I feel terrible!!