Sunday, March 7, 2010

Self-Pity. party of one.

I thought I was doing great. Ya Know, I'm going to GED class, practicing my driving, being a momma and trying to get on a workout schedule. While my child isn't sleeping through the night anymore, I'm an emotional wreck and constantly sick to my stomach. Tonight he sleeps. He'll sleep all night. And what am I doing? I can't sleep. Because when I sleep, I dream about the ex. And, I dream about him with his new girlfriend. And, I wake up crying because I do have a broken heart. All the quotes, songs, and poems about being strong and happiness isn't going to fix this anytime soon.

I've been trying to be upbeat. Happy. Strong. I'm not. I routinely take depression pills. Im () <- this close to going back to smoking. I force myself to eat because I have to be there for my baby. Sleep is a no go anymore. But, who needs sleep? I'm MAKING myself go out and do things. I have to get used to not being around Rylen as much once he starts taking him. I'm trying to prepare myself for the conversation thats going to happen sooner than I want too about Ry not calling daddys mistress "Mommy". Ry's growing up. He's 5 months old.I hate missing out on the moments because I'm struck with self pity. I try to avoid it as much as possible. I hug him more often and play with him as much as I can. Until that pit regrows in my stomach and it takes all I can to not curl up into a ball of bitter pain and heartbreak.

Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself. I think I'm allowed that much at this point. At least this time I'm getting out of bed. I'm getting lost in the music that I have constantly playing. I haven't picked up New Moon once this time. Reba isn't on my to-watch-religiously list. I'm TRYING. I'm trying to live. I'm trying to make this work for me and Rylen. All the while I can literally feel my heart break into a million pieces over and over again. This isn't as easy as I thought it would be. But, I've accepted now that EVERY guy is going to leave you for someone else. Promises weren't meant to be kept obviously. and 2 days before you break up for good, they will ALWAYS ALWAYS say "You'll never lose me..." And, when you think about those things, it hurts. I try not to think about it. I try to crowd my head with other thoughts. ANYTHING. But, they sneak in there. They like to rip and claw at your emotions until you can barely breathe.

Anybody who has been in love and has gone what I've been through knows what I'm talking about.

1 comment:

  1. Give yourself time. That's the only thing that will ease some of the hurt. Stay strong and stay on the new path youre on. Not ALL guys will treat you that way, but the guys you already KNOW will and have proof will, are not going to prove you wrong. Choose better guys.