Friday, February 19, 2010

I've got to move on and be who I am.

I figured I should write this while I'm in one of my good moods.

I keep trying to remember when I was happy before we got back together. When I was happy with who I was and just loving on Rylen. I didn't want a boyfriend at the time. Then A. basically forced his way back into my life. He wouldn't leave me alone about getting back together. He SWORE things would be different. And I believed him. So, I got back together with him. And things were great for awhile. But then they started to get the same. We'd fight alot. He'd actually hit me and I'd hit him back and thus a slight fist fight would ensue. Never out of anger but it feels good to not have sore arms anymore. I get to wear black nailpolish again without being called "Emo". I don't have to listen to rap music anymore (oh god..) and I don't have to watch the Halloween movies again. I don't have to listen to him bitch about Rylen crying and crying. And, I don't have to feel my heart break when Rylen smiles at him when he comes home. I don't have to fight with him anymore over little things. I don't have to answer to anyone anymore and I can actually go out and do things. Not all the time, Rylen is my priority right now. And always will be. But, I turn 21 in a few months. I'll be able to go out and make new friends. I get to have a friendship with one of my best guy friends again.

There is downsides to this. But, I was basically doing everything by myself with Rylen before we broke up. I was doing OK without him before we got back together. I want to be happy again. I know things take time. I'm well aware of this. I know that eventually I'll get back out of this slump. I have goals I want to complete. Things I want to do. I wish that things had gone down before we got married. But, I can't change that now. We'll get a divorce. I'll get over him. I'll watch my baby grow up and be the biggest part of his life.

So I guess its back to curling up with Reba and New Moon. :)

Heres an adorable picture of Rylen that I took this morning. I'm going to have it printed out on a canvas eventually. Its definetly my favorite EVER.


  1. It's good to hear that you're finding some comfort in the small things.

    That photo is absolutely adorable!!!!

  2. Hi! I'm visiting from MBC. Great blog.